A few Jokes
+6
rob
Danny Boy
Trixie
Gelert
gueuzeman
H8R
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ShamuCroaks :: Fun & Games :: Humor
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A few Jokes
by H8R Sun Aug 02 2009, 22:12
"According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Governor Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant." --Seth Meyers
“Barack Obama gave a big speech on race, and there was one heckler in the audience, kept screaming crazy stuff the whole time. Turns out it was his pastor.” - Jay Leno
“Barack Obama gave a big speech on race, and there was one heckler in the audience, kept screaming crazy stuff the whole time. Turns out it was his pastor.” - Jay Leno
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Re: A few Jokes
by gueuzeman Tue Aug 04 2009, 06:23
Did you hear the one about the old forum that wouldn't load......?
Oh, wait, that's not funny.
----------------
Oh, wait, that's not funny.
----------------
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Re: A few Jokes
by gueuzeman Wed Aug 12 2009, 06:02
What are condimints- They take the rubber taste out of your mouth.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2- but I can't figure out how they got in there.
------------
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2- but I can't figure out how they got in there.
------------
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Re: A few Jokes
by Gelert Wed Aug 12 2009, 20:26
Favourite T-Shirt Slogan of the month:
"I came on Eileen"
"I came on Eileen"
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gueuzeman- Killer Whale
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gueuzeman- Killer Whale
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Re: A few Jokes
by Gelert Tue Oct 06 2009, 19:39
Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
Mick says, 'how you doin?'
Paddy says, ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me
feet are freezing.'
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed ...
He says, 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.
They say, 'get away with ya.. prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs, 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back, 'of course both of em, what's the point of f#ckin
one?'
Mick says, 'how you doin?'
Paddy says, ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me
feet are freezing.'
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed ...
He says, 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.
They say, 'get away with ya.. prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs, 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back, 'of course both of em, what's the point of f#ckin
one?'
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Re: A few Jokes
by Gelert Sat Oct 10 2009, 20:54
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven.
Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry', St Peter said, 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited 'til his billy boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...
Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry', St Peter said, 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited 'til his billy boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...
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Re: A few Jokes
by Danny Boy Mon Oct 12 2009, 06:31
Trixie wrote:Love it, but don't get the last part.
The actual words are "and he" so she thought it was Andy, the actual answer would have to be Jolly, but that is irrelevant, as most Aussies are referred to as "you fuckers"
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Re: A few Jokes
by Gelert Mon Oct 12 2009, 20:20
The answer is of course Samuel Hoffmeister, aka "Frenchy"...Gelert wrote:Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
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Re: A few Jokes
by rob Thu Oct 29 2009, 05:55
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget
about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just
want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee
time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have
time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the
pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him..
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget
about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just
want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee
time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have
time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the
pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him..
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Re: A few Jokes
by gueuzeman Sun Mar 14 2010, 00:46
A cow joke for Werner, but he's probably heard it....
-------------------------
Finance for non-financial Managers - Section1: Global Financial systems
*
*A NAMIBIAN CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· You make biltong... (South African cured meat)
*AN AMERICAN CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
· You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
*A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· You go on strike because you want three cows.
· They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime' and steal
someone else's cows and shoot their owner.
*A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION*
· A farmer has two cows.
· You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the
international community to supply more.
*A JAPANESE CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk.
· You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
market them World-Wide.
*A GERMAN CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.
*A BRITISH CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· Both are mad.
*AN INDIAN CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· You pray to them for food.
*
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION*
· You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
· You break for lunch.
*A RUSSIAN CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· You count them and learn you have five cows.
· You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
· You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
· You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
*A SWISS CORPORATION*
· You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
· You charge others for storing them.
*A CHINESE CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· You have 300 people milking them.
· You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.
*AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· The one on the left is kinda cute...
-------------------------------
.
-------------------------
Finance for non-financial Managers - Section1: Global Financial systems
*
*A NAMIBIAN CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· You make biltong... (South African cured meat)
*AN AMERICAN CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
· You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
*A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· You go on strike because you want three cows.
· They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime' and steal
someone else's cows and shoot their owner.
*A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION*
· A farmer has two cows.
· You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the
international community to supply more.
*A JAPANESE CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk.
· You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
market them World-Wide.
*A GERMAN CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.
*A BRITISH CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· Both are mad.
*AN INDIAN CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· You pray to them for food.
*
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION*
· You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
· You break for lunch.
*A RUSSIAN CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· You count them and learn you have five cows.
· You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
· You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
· You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
*A SWISS CORPORATION*
· You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
· You charge others for storing them.
*A CHINESE CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· You have 300 people milking them.
· You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.
*AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION*
· You have two cows.
· The one on the left is kinda cute...
-------------------------------
.
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Re: A few Jokes
by gueuzeman Mon Mar 22 2010, 06:34
Reg- ummmmmmmmmm,
------------------------------------------
The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.
The Pope explained the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork the clerk admitted that there was an error.
"However", the clerk explained, "it'll be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
Next day the Pope was called to the exit and Hell's staff bade him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope met Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mix up", apologize the Pope.
"No problem", replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven."
Tiger: "Oh yeah?"
Pope: "Yes, all my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
Tiger: "You're a day late."
------------------------------------
.
------------------------------------------
The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.
The Pope explained the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork the clerk admitted that there was an error.
"However", the clerk explained, "it'll be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
Next day the Pope was called to the exit and Hell's staff bade him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope met Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mix up", apologize the Pope.
"No problem", replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven."
Tiger: "Oh yeah?"
Pope: "Yes, all my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
Tiger: "You're a day late."
------------------------------------
.
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Re: A few Jokes
by Revs Mon Mar 22 2010, 09:28
two planes flew into the world trade towers... boom boom!
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Re: A few Jokes
by gueuzeman Tue Mar 30 2010, 03:02
Reg- that ladyboy clip is a little strange, for sure.
Here's something I shot Friday night, definitely NSFW!!
Here's something I shot Friday night, definitely NSFW!!
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